she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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