Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
