Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
