she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
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HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.