I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.