I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
