Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
