im about as happy as oj after his trial
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
