your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
if only i could text you this smell
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
