i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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