and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
