This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
