I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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