i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
