So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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