you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
