Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
