fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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