I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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