I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
