I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
