We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
