I murdered the dance floor call the cops
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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