I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
