yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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