she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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