Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
People in love make me want to vomit
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
