Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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