My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
