Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
