I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
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with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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