Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
