Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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