So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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