Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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