you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
