he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We are all done wearing pants today
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
how drunk are you?
Several
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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