Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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