what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
