Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
