Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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