There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I intend to get homeless drunk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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