normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
