At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
