Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
