I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
