At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
