I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
