I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
