Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
