I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
