I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
