I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
