A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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