Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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