life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
