I love watching others lives come down to our level.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
