my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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