god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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