that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
