Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
