What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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